


Stan Marsh, The Boy Who Was Cucked

by jillua



Category: South Park
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Gay, Humor, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:28:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29885961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jillua/pseuds/jillua
Summary: The whimsical, magical tale of a wizard boy who was born to be cucked.
Relationships: Clyde Donovan/Kenny McCormick, Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Kenny McCormick/Tweek Tweak, Kyle Broflovski/Eric Cartman
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14





	Stan Marsh, The Boy Who Was Cucked

Stan awoke in his bed to the sound of moaning. Not Moaning Myrtle moaning, sex moaning, a type he was becoming way too familiar with lately. Though this time it sounded different, but he couldn’t put his finger on why. He closed his eyes and listened for a while, hoping it would stop, but when it went on for another five minutes he pulled back his bed curtain to confront the source.

There was a glow coming through the red drapes of the bed to the left of him, broadcasting the silhouettes of two people in compromising positions. He didn’t hesitate as he crossed the small distance between their beds and yanked the curtain open, metal hoops screeching as they slid over the rail. He knew who the culprits were.

Or, maybe he didn’t, as one familiar and one unfamiliar face looked up at him, lit by the light of a wand on the bed. Tweek yelped as the curtain was opened, one of the usual loud serial sex-havers Stan expected to see. But he didn’t recognize the girl underneath him.

“Oh, sorry Stan,” the girl said, her breasts on full display in the warm light as she lay underneath Tweek. At least their bottom halves were under the blankets. “We were trying out Tweek’s new potion.”

At that moment Stan recognized the girl with the long blond hair and obnoxious grin. Kenny. Stan blinked, not sure if he was dreaming, still half asleep.

“I.. Tweek… I thought you didn’t like boobs?” Stan said blearily, not sure what else to say, his voice weak from having just woken.

“He doesn’t. We just thought it would be funny,” Kenny said in his new higher octave. Tweek had his hand over his mouth, trying to hold in nervous giggles.

“Well, can you go be funny in Tweek’s bed, you’re.. gonna wake up Scott,” Stan finished lamely, not wanting to be branded a killjoy virgin. In truth, Scott could sleep through the ceiling collapsing, or as he had proven, constant raucous sex.

“Yeah, no problem dude. Sorry.” Kenny did look genuinely apologetic, and Stan might have been swayed by his puppy eyes if this wasn’t a near-nightly event.

“Yeah, fine, goodnight,” he bid them, climbing back into bed and closing the curtains, still bewildered but too exhausted to dwell on it.

When he woke up a few hours later, Tweek and Scott were already gone. Stan rose to wake Kenny, but all he got was a groan in response as he shook him by the shoulder. Lazy bitch. Stan dressed in his robes quickly and jogged down the steps, running a bit behind according to his wizard sundial.

pictured: Harry Potter Sundial

In the dining hall, there were floating candles, long-ass tables, the whole shebang. Stan sat at the Gryffindor table and quickly ate his gross British people bean breakfast before heading over to the Ravenclaw table to walk with Kyle to Charms.

“I’m just really fucking sick of it,” Stan said to Kyle as they sat together in class. They were doing the feather floating thing.

“Uh huh,” Kyle replied absently, entirely focused on his feather.

“It’s every night… every night!”

“Well, then say something,” Kyle said, not looking at him, flicking his wrist expertly as he moved the feather from side to side.

“I did! I do. I keep saying something, and they keep doing it.”

Kyle frowned. “Well then yell at them, I don’t know.” He wasn’t fully listening, which was part of the reason Stan felt comfortable venting to him.

“I just.. feel bad for Craig, you know? Seeing him hold hands with Tweek across the aisle at breakfast, completely oblivious.. it’s fucked up.” That piqued Kyle’s attention, and he shot an incredulous look at Stan.

“Why do you care? He’s a Slytherin.” The level of disdain in his voice as he spat the last word could poison a waterhole.

“He’s nice! I swear. He was my partner for our Care of Magical Creatures exam last year, he’s the only reason I passed. Not every Slytherin is Cartman.”

“Don't. Say that name in front of me,” Kyle snapped testily, pinching the bridge of his nose as he lowered his feather. “Not right now.”

Something across the room caught Kyle’s attention.

“Do you see that? How is he doing that. HOW is he doing that,” Kyle whispered angrily, shaking Stan’s arm to drive home the point. He was looking at Butters, who was beaming with pride as he received praise from their professor for his technique.

“Stan. I’m going to murder him in his sleep. His nose whistles, did you know that? It’s so fucking loud. He must be cheating. He has to be,” he steamed, his disjointed rant making perfect sense to Stan, who had to hear about this saga daily.

Butters was a Ravenclaw along with Kyle. Kyle had desperately wanted to be a Gryffindor with Stan, he practically begged to be one. During the sorting ceremony, he’d gotten into an argument with the hat in front of god and everyone, listing off the reasons why he did, in fact, belong in the house known for bravery and toughness. But the sorting hat put its proverbial foot down, and insisted his potential would best be reached in the more competitive and scholarly house.

In their earlier years at school, Butters had been like Kyle’s shadow, asking the more knowledgeable boy questions about magic incessantly. Kyle was conceited about it, providing him the answers with a kind of messiah-complex as Butters looked up at him with stars in his eyes. But ever since the O.W.L. exams, Butters had been getting higher marks than him. Kyle poured his blood, sweat and tears into his essays, his coursework, everything, but Butters still surpassed him at every turn.

“He’s a moron, Stan. Like, I don’t want to be mean, but I’m sorry, he is. He has to be cheating,” Kyle repeated, gripping his wand so tightly Stan thought it would snap.

At that moment Kenny slipped into the classroom, trying to be stealthy, but the professor spotted him.

“Late again, McCormick,” the tall instructor said disapprovingly, looking down at Kenny from over his glasses.

“Sorry, sorry!” Kenny gave an apologetic wave as he slid into the bench next to Stan. The professors didn’t even bother docking points from Gryffindor for Kenny’s latenesses anymore, as his tardiness alone would tank their points into the negatives.

“Whew!” he exclaimed as he plopped down on the bench next to Stan. “What are we doing?” he asked, rubbing his hands together.

“Wingardium Leviosa,” Kyle replied, his feather shooting back up into the air as he said the spell.

“Aw jeez, again?” Kenny whined. “This is like, the fifth time.”

“Well, some people can’t seem to get it right,” Kyle glared at him.

“Yeah, yeah, my bad. Hey, Scott’s no gem either,” he remarked, moving his head to refer to the diabetic boy across the room straining to get his feather even an inch off the table. “You look like shit dude,” he said to Stan.

Stan felt a pang of irritation at Kenny’s blunt insensitivity, but held in his “fuck you.”

“What are you using that potion for anyway?” he said instead, referring to the display he’d been exposed to the night before. Kenny’s appearance had since returned to normal, as far as Stan could see.

“The stairs,” Kenny replied simply. Stan should have known. Kenny had obsessively, fanatically been trying to find a way up the boy-rejecting sliding staircase to the girls’ rooms in the Gryffindor dorm since the day they arrived at Hogwarts. He’d tried to brute force them by running as hard as he could, and when that didn’t work he’d tried crossdressing, then he moved on to magic means. Nothing had worked so far, but Stan had never seen anyone so determined to achieve something in his life. JK Rowling’s terf powers were just too strong.

“God, enough with the stairs. What are you even going to do when you get up there, huh?” Kyle jabbed.

“It’s about the principle of the thing, Kyle. Why can they go in our dorms but we can’t go in theirs? It’s not about what I’ll do when I get there, it’s about the ethics, the equality, the-”

“Shut up. Why are you fucking Tweek anyway?” Kyle countered. Tweek was sitting out of earshot near the back, studying with Token.

“Because, reason A., he’s hot.”

“Debatable.”

“B. He’s into dick, which is something I have, usually. And C., he’s just one bed away! You can’t beat that kind of convenience,” Kenny listed, counting the reasons with his fingers. “God, I wish he would’ve tried the potion.. he was afraid he’d get stuck that way. I’m sure his pussy would be immaculate,” Kenny mused, leaning back and looking into the distance with a dreamy expression.

“You’re disgusting.”

“So I’ve been told,” Kenny said with a faux-wistful sigh, remorseless slut that he was.

“Well, when Craig comes asking for a duel to the death, don’t cry about it to us,” Kyle said, returning his attention to the feather and tuning Kenny out.

Kenny leaned towards Stan to continue detailing his deviant plans in a low voice.

“So, I’m thinking, if I turn myself into a chick, I can get tons of lezzies. Allie Nelson swings that way, right?”

“Dude, they’ll know it’s you if some random girl shows up in the middle of the year.”

“No way! I can pretend to be an exchange student from Beauxbatons Academy of Magic.” Kenny affected a bad French accent as he said the name of the school.

Kyle clicked his tongue in distaste as he listened in on the hushed conversation. After receiving another glare from the teacher, Kenny piped down and focused on making his feather float, albeit unsuccessfully, and by the time the bell bonged to signal the end of the hour, he still hadn’t managed it. The professor kept him behind to give him an earful, and Stan and Kyle shuffled out into the hall along with their classmates.

“How in god’s name did Kenny pass his O.W.L.s if he can’t even do Wingardium Leviosa,” Kyle seethed once they were outside of their next class, leaning against the stone wall outside of the Divination tower room.

“He’s one of those people who can pull a passing grade out of their ass at the last second,” Stan answered. It was the truth; he’d never seen Kenny study once in their years together at Hogwarts, but he knew he was extraordinarily skilled at the magic that interested him. And what interested him was usually incredibly useless for academic application.

“I don’t understand why Voldemort didn’t just like, use a gun,” came a voice from down the hall.

“W-well Eric, gun laws in the U.K. are pretty strict… it’s not easy to get one!"

“I’m pretty sure Voldemort doesn’t give a crap about gun laws, Butters.”

Stan felt Kyle tense up next to him. Divination was an elective, so students from all houses attended at the same time. This included Cartman.

Growing up in South Park (British Edition) together, everyone was certain that Cartman was a squib. He showed zero inkling of possessing magical ability, despite his mother being a powerful witch. Kyle in particular ragged on him for this, with Cartman claiming to be a late bloomer. They were all shocked six ways to Sunday when Cartman’s Hogwarts letter arrived in the mail along with everyone else’s, and Kyle, in a moment of humility, was the first to admit he was wrong.

Harnessing his inner zen for once, Kyle managed to ignore these extraordinarily stupid comments. Unfortunately, Cartman and Butters were assigned to their tiny, doily-covered Divination table, and Kyle’s zen wasn’t known for its durability. They took their seats, and class began. Today, they were reading tea leaves.

“Oh look, it’s a cat!” Cartman announced in a sickly sweet voice, holding up the cup to show off the black mush at the bottom.

“Aw, cute,” Butters cooed. “I bet that means something good.”

“A cat signifies treachery and deception,” Kyle corrected, referring to his copy of Unfogging the Future.

“Probably because I’m sitting next to a sneaky Jew,” Cartman retorted.

Stan had to hold Kyle back as he tried to jump over the table and attack Cartman as they hurled insults back and forth. The teacher came over to break it up, and despite Kyle’s protestations, they all ended up with detention; good boy Butters was exempted. It wasn’t the first time Cartman and Kyle’s bickering had landed them in hot water; this time, they were ordered to go to the dungeons to clean out old potion vials after hours.

“God!” Kyle exclaimed as he scrubbed a goo-caked cauldron viciously. “I can’t fucking believe this.”

“Kyle, do you ever think that maybe the reason Butters is getting better marks than you is because he’s, you know, not in detention every week?” Stan asked.

Kyle stopped his scrubbing to consider this, as if it’d never occurred to him before. “No,” he concluded finally, self-assured. “It’s the fatass’s fault.”

“Ey!” Cartman yelled from across the room where he was cleaning, as if he possessed selective super-hearing that only activated when someone called him fat.

Kyle looked like he was about to continue, but at that moment Kenny sauntered into the room, appearing in his long-haired, comparatively curvaceous feminine form. His boys’ robes hung loosely off his smaller frame, and his oversized shoes were clopping as he walked. He’d somehow acquired a skirt for his haphazard ensemble. “Hey guys,” he greeted them as he dropped onto a stool and began wiping a potion flask.

“What’d you do?” Stan asked, not surprised in the least to see him in detention.

“Oh, you know, this and that,” he replied vaguely. He grinned suddenly. “Hey, guess what.”

“Ok fine, I’ll bite. What?” Kyle said, putting down his cleaning brush.

“I fucked Clyde Donovan,” Kenny announced proudly, beaming from ear to ear.

“WHAT??” Cartman’s voice echoed from across the dungeon, banging his head on a shelf as he stood up too quickly. Stan and Kyle’s mouths were agape in shock.

“Yup. During lunch break, in the caretaker’s closet. Well, I guess technically he fucked me.”

“But… why??” Stan asked, at a loss as to why Kenny would want to fornicate with Clyde, a Hufflepuff.

“Uhhh, because it was easy? He totally believed the exchange student schtick. Plus, I wanted to try this thing out,” he said, gesturing to his newly-formed nether regions.

“Didn’t you try it out last night?”

“Yeah, but that was Tweek. I already know what his dick is like.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Kyle asked, sounding genuinely curious to know what, exactly, the fuck was wrong with Kenny.

“You’re just jealous because he’s getting dick and you’re not,” Cartman said, wandering over to them. “Hey, what’s it like having boobs?”

“You should know,” Kyle retorted without a smidge of hesitation.

Before another brouhaha could break out, a loud shattering sound in the corridor turned all of their heads.

“Hello?” Kyle called out towards the arched stone doorway. There was the sound of someone quickly running up the dungeon steps.

Stan got up to peak out into the hall, but didn’t catch a glimpse of whoever had been lurking. There were green shards of a broken vase littered far and wide across the corridor, as if it had been obliterated by an errant burst of magic. Kyle came up behind him to survey the damage.

“What the hell? Was somebody listening to us?” It seemed that way, as the classroom was on a dead end, and there was no reason for anyone to be there at that hour besides detention.

“I did kinda feel like someone was following me on my way down here.. didn’t see nobody, though,” Kenny said from his seat, groping his tits absently.

“Sus,” Cartman replied simply, going back to his corner to continue cleaning specimen jars.

“Well, I don’t wanna clean this up…” Kyle said. “We’re not supposed to use magic during detention, but…” Sparing a quick glance up the stairs to check for lookie loos, he used the Reparo spell to piece the vase back together on its pedestal. 

"There,” Kyle said, satisfied with his handwork. He and Stan went back into the classroom to finish out their punishment with the others, putting the incident behind them.

Little did Stan and friends know, this was the harbinger, the precursor, the beginning, of a brief but epically stupid magical Hogwarts adventure.

**Author's Note:**

> thanx for reading <3 like comment &subscrbie


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